"Oh you are married? How many children do you have?"
"None."
"Why?"
"Who's got a problem?"
If you are married and don't have a child (yet), you probably have been asked these questions all the time. While you wish you could say right into their faces it's none of your f*cking business, you end up giving an explanation.
Do we really owe them an explanation?
I am already 41 years old and I still get asked by people why I don't have a child yet. At my age, I must say I still long to have at least one but it's not much of a priority. I'm not as pressured or anxious as I was like a decade ago.
Childless married women, I'm sure you've met at least one of these 5 annoying people:
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| Pixabay |
1. The "feeling-close-not-so-immediate" family members and in-laws.
We all know that after the wedding, family members are excited to have an addition -- the baby. They are not aware though that they are putting too much pressure on the newlyweds. They are also forgetting that the couple have plans and they are not really part of the decision making or are entitled to details.
A week after I got married, some relatives of my husband kept asking me if I'm already pregnant. Then bumping into them after a few days, I still got the same question and every time I see them. It got to a point that we deliberately avoid them. On my side of the family, most of them know that I'm not the type who shares personal details so I was never asked. But I've got a feeling they talk about me and are curious why I have no child.
2. The insensitive family "friends"
When my mom died in 2010, I was the only one married. Day 2 of the wake, some of her friends and co-workers arrived. I was mourning and they kept saying how sad that my mom died without even experiencing how it's like to have a grandchild. They said it was a pity I was not able to make my mom happy.
Seriously?!
I must admit I got affected with what they said. I've been battling depression since 2007 and their insensitive comments made it worse for me.
3. The medical "expert"
I've met people who have shoved into my face medical procedures, doctor recommendations, herbal remedies and "expert" advice because someone they know went to this and that, tried this and that and it worked.
They will ask you questions like, "Who is infertile?", "Have you consulted a doctor?", or will lecture you about your biological clock, "Why did not have child right away?", "You are already old that's why you are having difficulty."
I got married at 27. We really didn't plan to have a child right away. We already have our own house when we got married and we have a car but we felt like we still want to focus on our careers and save up money. When we decided five years after, that's when we realized it was not easy for us.
Did we seek for medical help? Yes, from areal medical experts. We spent money that some of you may not be able to save in your lifetime so please stop recommending doctors already.
4. The "blessed" mommy friends
Your friends know you are struggling to conceive. It's okay if they ask you if you are not pregnant yet (although unnecessary because you will definitely inform them if you are) but it's NOT okay that after asking, one will keep whining about having too many kids already or how she can quickly get pregnant. And then they will all agree that it's a blessing making you feel left out and question yourself, "Am I not good enough to become a mom?"
5. The judgmental
Not all married couples want to have a child. It's their choice and we should respect it. I have a friend who deactivated her social media accounts years ago because people are judging her for not wanting to have a child. My favorite Ina Garten of the Barefoot Contessa Food Network Program, do not have a child and said in one of her interviews that it was their choice and would not wish to further elaborate or see the need to explain. Don't ever feel like you are morally superior over those who chose not to have children.
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| Pixabay |
Whether being childless is a choice or fate, be careful when talking to childless married women because you don't know what they went through or currently going through physically and emotionally. Some may have lost a child and never conceived again and you are just bringing up a painful or unfortunate past event.